Parenting Dictionary, Third Edition




Describing an article of clothing or accessory that is typically regarded as douchey in its adult form, but looks undeniably darling in miniature.

example:  “Junior is going to look absolutely fedorable in these skull-and-crossbones board shorts.  I was concerned they might skew a little ‘spring break on the Jersey Shore’, but as long as we don’t pair them with a gold chain or vodka Red Bull he should be safe.”

*note: This term may not be accurately applied to any apparel item manufactured by Ed Hardy.  Under no circumstances should such items be allowed to come in contact with human children.  Potential long-term side effects may include: tribal tattoos, male eyebrow waxing and Axe-Body-Spray-induced lung disease.


Parenting Dictionary, 2nd Edition




Sudden, explosive bowel movement vastly exceeding the absorbency limits of the common disposable diaper.  Occurs most often in areas with limited access to proper changing facilities or government-issue Haz Mat suits.  This phenomenon strikes without warning and wreaks havoc and destruction upon all who bear witness.

example:  “On our road trip to Area 51, we were forced to pull off the freeway after little Agent Mulder had a shitastrohe of epic proportions.  We had to call AAA, the Red Cross and a priest to deal with the cleanup.  Pretty sure the car is totaled.”

Parenting Dictionary

Naming the unspeakable horrors of parenthood, one word at a time…

Nap Blueballs:



Condition occurring when an individual is on the brink of a sorely needed nap, but is interrupted just before completion.  The baby is sleeping soundly, the house is silent and you yourself have achieved a rare and blissfully relaxing state of half sleep when the infant awakes screaming inconsolably, rendering you an irritable, sleep-addled mess for the remainder of the day.  The only cure for this affliction is a solid night’s sleep, to which you will not have access until the aforementioned infant’s 30th birthday.

example:  “I’m really sorry I set fire to your grandmother’s walker, I’m not myself today.  I tried to catch a catnap earlier but little Billy Bob woke up about 10 minutes in, now I’ve got a wicked case of nap blueballs.  Please, I insist you let me write you a check to cover the damages.”