Before having a child, my husband and I would while away countless hours swilling cocktails, smoking cigarettes and discussing art, politics, rock and roll, philosophy, you name it. There were declarations of solidarity and heated debates on any number of decidedly adult topics. Now conversations tend toward far less challenging fare. Frequency and consistency of toddler bowel movements is a go-to. As is questioning merits of expensive, fancy-pants organic apple juice vs. the perfectly serviceable store brand (I mean, how much better can it really be?). Take this recent example, which took place in our living room, as my husband folded laundry and I perused Wikipedia in search of information on some of our two-year- old’s most beloved television characters:
Me: Hey, did you know there was a fifth Wiggle?
Him: What the hell are you talking about?
M: The Wiggles. There used to be a fifth member. I wonder what color shirt he wore?
M: I bet it was pink. Had to be pink. Ooooh, and did you know that Jeff hated kids at first?
M: The purple one. The narcoleptic. That’s why he’s always falling asleep. They wrote that bit in so he wouldn’t have to interact with the kids as much.
H: Well that’s fair. Most kids are gross.
M: And sticky.
H: So sticky.
M: And did you know Greg owned the fourth largest collection of Elvis memorabilia in the world?
H: Which one is Greg?
M: The yellow one.
H: The one that died?
M: You’re morbid! He didn’t die, he retired due to….wait….(feverishly scans Wiki)…orthostatic intolerance.
H: (pretends to know what orthostatic intolerance means) Oh, I though he died. Or got fired. Or it was like a Menudo situation and they kick you out after a few years.
M: Right, like a puppy that isn’t cute anymore so he has to go live on a farm. I thought maybe he got kicked out for a coke habit or a leaked sex tape. Or maybe he punched a hooker like the Sham-wow! guy.
H: No dirt though?
M: Nope. Squeaky clean. Thought for sure there would be SOMETHING elicit. They are musicians after all.
H (musician): Oh ha, ha! Cute.
M: I’m bored with this. I wonder if I can find any dirt on Raffi….