There is no reason this should exist. But there it was. A monstrosity in wind-breaker, a 96% polyester nightmare, hidden among consignment store racks of second-hand Baby Gap. It was mere days before Christmas and it seemed inconceivable that this little gem was not lovingly wrapped and waiting under someone’s tree. Screw toys! What every kid really wants for Christmas is the wardrobe of a sexually ambiguous P.E. teacher circa 1987. Right? Of course they do.
I slyly took out my phone and snapped a photo for later, intending to flabbergast my husband with the tale of my discovery. This was truly something rare; a thrift-store Sasquatch. Photographic evidence was necessary to corroborate my story. Thinking a snapshot was more than sufficient, I left empty-handed. But it haunted me.
How…HOW…could I have left without purchasing this?! The next day was Christmas Eve – I had to wait a full two days to return. It was absolutely agony. Ideas for next year’s fitness-themed Kramer holiday card filled my brain. Do they make sweat bands in children’s sizes? What is an optimal barbell weight for a two-year-old? Where can I find a Sony S2 Sports Walkman in banana yellow? Oh, this was happening.
At the crack of 10 am on December 26th, with $1.25 in hand, I returned to claim my bounty. The ironic nature of my purchase was entirely lost on the unsuspecting clerk.
“Oh my! A little jogging suit!”
“Yup, the little guy sure does love jogging.”
Seventy-five cents later (thanks to a post-holiday 50% off sale); it was part of our reality. It has only come out a few times – mostly it’s just there, defying the laws of logic and good taste every time I venture to the bottom of my son’s dresser drawer. It has come to be known simply as “the outfit”. Though, if we really gave it some thought, I’m sure we could come up with a more fitting name. Temptation in Teal? Dodgeball Debonair? The “Drop and Give Me 20, Mister!”? We’ll keep working on it…
There is no reason this should exist. And there is absolutely no reason I should be so pleased that it does.