Parenting Dictionary, 2nd Edition

Shitastrophe:

[shit-tas-truh-fee]

noun

Sudden, explosive bowel movement vastly exceeding the absorbency limits of the common disposable diaper.  Occurs most often in areas with limited access to proper changing facilities or government-issue Haz Mat suits.  This phenomenon strikes without warning and wreaks havoc and destruction upon all who bear witness.

example:  “On our road trip to Area 51, we were forced to pull off the freeway after little Agent Mulder had a shitastrohe of epic proportions.  We had to call AAA, the Red Cross and a priest to deal with the cleanup.  Pretty sure the car is totaled.”

Terror-Alert Yellow

A few nights ago, we found a dirty diaper in our bed.  Before you recoil in horror, know that it was only pee (okay, so a moderate amount of horror is completely justified).  Ready to retire for the evening, we pulled back the covers and there IT was.  Unearthed like a pirate’s treasure, but instead of fine rum and gold doubloons it was another person’s urine.  File this one under Unsolved Mysteries, because we have absolutely no idea how it got there.  It wasn’t me, my husband claims it wasn’t him, and the cat sure as hell isn’t fessing up.  Colonel Mustard in the bedroom with the diaper full of aged piss!  As a rule, we don’t change our son in our bedroom – that action goes down in his room, 50 ft. and a load-bearing wall away.  Dirty diapers are hastily deposited into one of those super-fancy disposal units with the refill bags that cost $7.99 (and my home smells only faintly of feces – hooray!).    Be it numero uno o dos, we pride ourselves on taking great care to ensure excrement is well contained at all times.  So how could such a breach in protocol occur?  Needless to say, the situation was concerning.

Every so often, you have one of those crystalizing moments where you realize just how profoundly parenthood has changed you.  Life as you knew it has been forever altered; former priorities set askew by the enormity of caring for another human being.  Such a moment occurred that night when, utterly exhausted from a day of wrangling a hyper-active two year old, we decided to simply toss that diaper across the room and collapse into bed.  I’ll change the sheets in the morning – tonight, we sleep in pee!